DYING EVERY DAY

by Bo Sanchez
from the book "Your Life Does Not Define Your Future"

I have an approval-addiction which is as strong as my sexual addiction.
It has the same insane logic - if I was abused sexually, why not allow others to emotionally abuse me as well?

Now note, it's quitenormal to want approval from others.

But when this thing becomes the over-riding, all-consuming motive for all that you do in your life, you're sick.

And this describes my situation very well: Every act, every word, every deed, every project, every gesture that I do is designed to make people like me. Every talk I give, every song I compose, every community I build, every article I write, every relationship I begin... it's all a desperate search for love.

If someone - especially someone who is close to me - shows a sign of disfavor, disapproval, or just even raises an eyebrow, I melt. I panic. I die.

Because to an approval-addict, someone not liking him feels like death.

So for the longest time, I was dying almost everyday, because in evry 24 hour cycle, I would meet someone who wasn't my fan. And everybody had to be a fan, or I would crumble within.

Thus, I also tried to avoid any kind of conflict with anyone.

I hated confronting people.

And consequently, I never got angry. Never. In fact, people praised me for being the most patient person in the universe.

Because of this, I felt I was very, very Christian and Christ-like.

But how untrue this was! (Now, I realize that it isn't very loving not to be angry when there's a need to be angry at the sin of others.)

It was an approval-addiction, and it was a prison I couldn't escape from, no matter how much I tried.